How many happy couples do you know?
Whatever the number, odds are that it's smaller than the number of unhappy ones. This unhappiness can range from those resigned to a present and future of just muddling along without much joy, to constant bickering, to all out battles and complete estrangement in the form of breaking up.
Is this the inevitable way for relationships to progress? Is it possible that two people, with different stories, needs, habits and desires, can live together in a happy, supportive, constructive partnership?
Possible? I truly believe that it is. Easy? Not really. But, then again, what thing worth having is easy to achieve?
I recently read an excellent article that gave me a lot of food for thought. If you have a few minutes, click here and read it. If you want to know what scientists have learned about what makes relationships work, it's worth your while.
Here are some excerpts from the article, which originally appeared in The Atlantic:
"Contempt, they have found, is the number one factor that tears couples apart. People who are focused on criticizing their partners miss a whopping 50 percent of positive things their partners are doing and they see negativity when it's not there."
Well, I think this can apply to any relationship - with your children, parents, co-workers, friends. If your attention is focused on seeing what others are doing wrong, you're likely to miss the good stuff. It just doesn't fit into the "story" of them that exists in your mind. So, even if you're not interested in having or improving a romantic relationship, this is a great concept to keep in mind.
As Wayne Dyer said, "Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change."
From the article:
"Kindness...glues couples together. Kindness makes each partner feel cared for, understood, and validated - feel loved. There's a great deal of evidence showing the more someone receives or witnesses kindness, the more they will be kind themselves, which lead to upward spirals of love and generosity in a relationship."
I always say, it's no more difficult to be kind than it is to be cruel. It's a choice you make, pure and simple. And the more often you choose to be kind, the better you get at it. For me, it boils down to this - what kind of world do you want to live in? I don't necessarily mean the world at large, though, that too will be influenced by your words and actions, but your own personal every day world. Do you want to fill your world with kindness, laughter and generosity or do you choose something different?
And the most surprising thing I learned from the article:
"We've all heard that partners should be there for each other when the going gets rough. But research shows that being there for each other when things go right is actually more important for relationship quality. How someone responds to a partner's good news can have dramatic consequences for the relationship."
That kind of says it all, doesn't it? To feel truly happy for another's happiness is the essence of love.
-Tamera
Do you look at the past with regret? Do you find yourself thinking, if only I'd had better parents, better opportunities, more money - you fill in the blank - I would have done something better with my life. It's easy to fall into the line of thinking that you are where you are today because life dealt you a bad hand. After all, if you had a rocky start to begin with, how could you possibly achieve greatness? Our prisons and drug treatment centers are filled to overflowing with unfortunate people who lived through tragic childhoods that cast a dark shadow over their entire lives.
Are these unfortunate stories unavoidable? Is there a series of events early in life that predetermines the direction that that particular life must follow? Does a catastrophe occurring at any point in a person's life doom them for the rest of their life?
Hardly.
History, as well as the present day, offer us so many examples of people who overcame unimaginable odds and achieved greatness in every field. Helen Keller, Malala Yousafzai, Frederick Douglass, Lech Walesa, Elie Wiesel, Oprah Winfrey - really this list is endless.
In my opinion, the common thread in most people's stories of overcoming adversity is this: in addition to inner strength, they had people who supported and believed in them. There was at least one person in each of their lives who said, "Here, take my hand, we can do this together."
Helen Keller had her tireless teacher and friend Annie Sullivan, Malala Yousafzai has her doting father, Frederick Douglass had Anna Murray-Douglass who helped him escape slavery and became his devoted wife, and so on with many others who beat the odds.
So, what I'm saying is, we're all in this together, folks. Look for ways you can support and uplift one another, even in small ways. Start your day with the question, "How can I serve?"
Not only will you take the focus off your own troubles, small or large, but, with more and more people living life with the attitude of giving, we will all be on the receiving end of other people's giving, as well. Our various strengths and weaknesses can be matched with those around us, so that we can all be lifted to greatness in many forms.
Here is a video about one of my all-time favorite musicians, who escaped a seeming life-sentence to poverty and crime, and became beloved by millions around the world.
Enjoy.
I don't know why, but we humans tend to be afraid of those who are different from us. We are friends with people who look like us, think like us, dress like us; we listen to radio personalities who agree with our views; and, in times past, we even killed and imprisoned people just because they didn't fit the norm.
But now, it seems to me that we are entering a new era of understanding and acceptance, at least in some parts of the world. And, some societies are even celebrating the differences that exist among us and make life more interesting. These days, there are opportunities open to people that could not have even been imagined just a couple of generations ago.
Watching the video about Tim Harris made my eyes fill with tears. The joy and love that flows from this young man just made my day. He brought back so many wonderful memories for me. When I was in high school, and for two years after I graduated, I volunteered with Down Syndrome kids, helping them to learn how to read and swim. Later, when I opened a local dance studio with my partners, I taught dance classes specifically for Down Syndrome and disabled children.
It was so very rewarding for me because these kids are the most loving people you could ever meet. They are so open, not judgmental at all. They thrive on hugs, love and smiles. They have no enemies and their view of life is so open and innocent. With the DS kids, what you see is what you get - no pretensions, no walls - just a love of life and everything in it.
And I wonder, why is it that we "normal" people can't be more like that?
In the video, Tim is excited just about going to work! How many people feel that way? How many of us start our work day with a happy dance?
How often do we let our ideas of what we can't do stand in the way of our dreams?
What can we learn from people who are different from us, and how can we use what we learn to make the world a better place?
Tim's enthusiasm and belief in himself was so strong that it swept up everyone in his path. I wonder how many people's lives he's touched just by being himself and following his heart.
Can we each take a piece of Tim's story with us, out into the world every day? Can we learn to think in terms of how we can achieve instead of why we can't?
It is possible. I'm a believer.
Recently I ran into a friend I hadn't seen for a few years. While it was great to catch up on the events in each other's lives, I did notice that we spent a lot of time talking about how busy we are.
Being busy has become a badge of honor in our society, especially for moms who work both inside and outside the home. Somehow, we have come to feel that if our lives are not filled with around the clock activity, then we are falling behind everyone else, like we are less-than. The truth is that busy-ness does not define who we are.
Who we are defines who we are.
That may sound like some kind of zen riddle, but it's not meant to.
Think about it. When you were a child, did you feel the need to make to-do lists? Did you live by your calendar? Or, did you maybe spend hours at a time exploring in the back yard, or riding your bike around town, or climbing up trees to see the world from a different place? More than likely, you had nothing to prove, no agenda to see through. You were just being you.
Now, I'm not saying that we shouldn't grow up and mature, that we shouldn't take on responsibilities and commitments. What I am saying is that while our roles in life change, we should still honor who we are aside from all that.
One way of keeping the integrity of who we truly are, is to detach from the world for a few minutes every day. Many people call this sort of thing meditation. And, if you want to meditate in a more formal, directed manner, you should definitely explore that option. But, what I'm talking about is simply sitting alone for at least 10 minutes a day, maybe with an invigorating fresh green smoothie, and just letting your thoughts drift. Maybe you can reawaken long-forgotten dreams, or discover a new interest that will finally be heard in the silence, or see a new way of tackling a problematic situation, or just revel in the freedom of not thinking about anything, not having to do anything. The possibilities are limitless.
One thing is for sure, though. You will come to cherish and appreciate your alone time. And, you'll go back into your life roles with renewed enthusiasm and energy. So, start today, or tomorrow morning, start whenever you're ready. The most important thing, though, is to start. Because you never know where those 10 minutes a day will lead you.
Happy New Year to all of my dear readers! While the date on the calendar is an arbitrary way of organizing the days of our lives, it's still a great opportunity for us to take stock of where we are, how far we've come and where we are headed.
Recently, I received one of those forwarded emails that people send to friends, full of pictures of animals that make everyone say "Aww, isn't that cute!" It was called Forty Pieces of Advice, and across each picture, there were words of wisdom that really spoke to me. So, I decided to challenge myself to take the good advice and apply it to my own life.
Then, I thought, "Hey! I bet some of my readers might like to do this, too!"
So, here it is, friends, my invitation to you. Join the challenge today, or at any point that you like. Take on the pieces of advice that resonate the strongest for you, or, do them all! I'll be posting two each week, so check back often.
Walk 10 to 30 minutes every day. And, smile while you walk.
This one is a no-brainer! Everyone knows that walking is one of the best and most accessible forms of exercise. Walking helps to strengthen muscles, improve balance and work out the cardiovascular system. It also releases endorphins, which makes your whole day brighter. And, if you smile as you walk, you'll not only help yourself feel even happier (it has been well-established that smiling has a direct impact on our mood), but people you encounter on your walk will also benefit. Smiles are contagious, let's start an epidemic!
So, are you on board? Let me know if you're joining my challenge, and feel free to add your own bits of advice!
Love,
Tamera
